What is Friendship Breakup?

Why the word "breakup" sounds strange in friendship

More and more people are using the term breakup in friendships. On my recent Google search, "friendship breakup" (in quotes) yielded 14,600 hits, which suggests that a number of people have actually used this exact term.

A friendship breakup is an explicit manner of ending a friendship. It happens when you actually tell your friend that you don't want to be friends anymore. However, breakup lines such as "Sorry, I can't do this anymore" or "It's not you, it's me" are things that we normally find in romantic relationships, not in friendships. So it does sound a little odd when you hear that two friends have officially broken up. What is it about breakups that make it sound strange in friendships?

The Nature of Breakups

In countries where serial monogamy is practiced, people are expected to breakup with their existing partner before they could pursue a new one. Serial monogamy is a type of romantic relationship where a person can have one exclusive relationship at a time over the course of his or her lifetime (Mulder, 2009). When people pursue a new relationship without breaking up with their existing one, they may be considered cheaters. Therefore, breakups are necessary in romantic relationships.

When it comes to friendships, people are allowed to have more than one friend at a time. So it appears that breaking up is not necessary because it does not involve the same consequences as in romantic relationships. Also, there are other ways of ending a friendship aside from breakups. Depending on the nature of your friendship or your personality, you may wish to end your friendship without confronting your friend. You can simply avoid your friend, or slowly downgrade your friendship to acquaintances. Most people would probably find it difficult to say “let’s end our friendship” to someone who was dear to them before. But sometimes, non-confrontational strategies don't work, so you may have to send the message explicitly to set your intentions straight.

Friends are important but sometimes, situations arise where breakups are necessary. I'm sure that some of you would say that true friends don't breakup... but as devastating as it is, they do happen. I hope that this post gave you an idea what friendship breakup is about, and it shouldn't sound strange anymore the next time you hear it.

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References:

Mulder, M. (2009). Serial monogamy as polygyny or polyandry? Human Nature, 20, 130-150.

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My Vision of a Feminist Utopia

"I don't mind living in a man's world as long as I can be a woman in it. " -- Marilyn Monroe

Feminist utopia... isn't feminism a form of sexism? In our day and age, men still hold the power in most societies, and in such societies, women are considered the minorities. Minority is not a question of numbers, but a matter of social influence. Thus, feminism is not sexism, but a form of resistance to the dominant gender. So I'm not a sexist, I'm just a feminist.

So what is my vision of a feminist utopia?

First, what is utopia? When I say utopia, I mean IDEAL world. Sounds like a fantasy land, but please lend me an ear, as my vision is far from fictional. It can be realized...

Without further ado, my vision of a feminist utopia is for women to assert their right to BE A WOMAN, no matter what identity she envisions herself to be. That's right. Look back at Marilyn Monroe's statement. Do you see a case of mistaken identity? There is none whatsoever. She knows she is a woman first... the rest are just details. And don't take this vision at face value. There is a gamut of reasons behind this proposition.

Reconstruction of women's identity

Various feminist groups have continuously challenged the normative standards in our society.

Not only they fight for women's rights, they also try to redefine women's identity. Some social scientists have recently focused on developing a body of knowledge that is grounded from the unique views and experiences of women (Dubois, 1983). Why study the unique views and experiences of women? -- Because gender is socially constructed, and in patriarchal societies, women's identities have been greatly influenced by men. Studying the subjective views of women would provide awareness on the inherent meaning of being a woman.

With the growing popularity of social constructionism, we realize that identities are narratively constructed; hence, they can also be narratively repaired in cases of negative identities (Nelson, 2001). In patriarchal society, a number of women's identities are considered the weaker type compared to men's. Using narrative construction, it is possible to elevate the status of women's identities by repairing the distorted views about women. All this means is that we should let women narrate their stories subjectively and repeatedly to get a sense of reality from their own perspective.

When a woman is told to be a woman, it denotes that she's a woman who stays at home, raises her family, and provides emotional support to her husband. Even though this role is fulfilling to some women, this 'old school' identity seems to have a negative connotation because the image of a career woman is becoming more positive. My vision is to redefine this 'old school' identity because it suggests a submissive role, and it pathologizes womanhood. Thus, the phrase be a woman should denote a positive identity because of the positive value-judgment of some of women in this role.

Women are not men

The search for a homogeneous characteristic for both men and women may be a great idea, but

there would always be an inclination to search for differences due to biological characteristics of men and women. Even though we accept the concept that gender is socially constructed, the fact remains that women are not men (in biological terms), and this fact will remain unchanged. Therefore, in my feminist utopian society, women are women as a human specie, and so as a social being. Her social identities are inherently hers, meaning, she is not borrowing any characteristics that are inherent in men. In this regard, my vision is to erase any pre-existing notions that a woman is trying to be a man just because she happens to have the same stereotypical characteristics as men. If she happens to have the same stereotypical characteristics as men, then it should be treated as such -- the same... but they are rightfully hers. She should not be labelled as a woman who's trying to be a man, but simply as a woman being a woman.

Feminist Care Ethics

Feminist Care Ethics consists of moral theories that are common to women. For example, as most people would probably agree, women manifest more nurturing behaviors than men. Feminist Care Ethics recognizes this characteristic and legitimizes its value. Meaning, nurturing is not a weak characteristic just because it is typical of women's.

Carol Gilligan, the foremost proponent of Feminist Care Ethics, questions Freud's and Kohlberg’s theories of moral development (Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy, 2009). She argues that their moral theories are male-biased and do not reflect morals that are distinct to women. Gilligan explored the views and experiences of women, and discovered that relationships and responsibilities are central to women's moral development, while justice is central to men's. Recognizing these gender-differences in approaching moral dilemmas creates an avenue that allows women to make decisions based on their own terms and the manner they see fit. Therefore, based on Feminist Care Ethics, a woman's effort to put her family first (before her career for example) is a decision that should not sabotage women's positive identity. Inasmuch, the decision to place family before career should be regarded as a moral decision, and not a form of submission.

Liberal Feminism

The ability to draw a moral decision, in itself, is not sufficient. Decisions made by women are sometimes influenced by men. In some instances, an individual appears to be using his or her autonomy in making decisions; however, adaptive preferences can occur, which is an illusion that one is making a self-determining or autonomous choice over a range of options (Donner, 2009). Meaning, the individual has subjected himself or herself, without knowing, to a range of options that has been pre-determined or influenced by an oppressor.

Liberal feminism centers on equality between men and women. John Stuart Mill (1806-1873), one of the major proponents of liberal feminism, raises his concerns on gender inequality and the oppression of women (Donner, 2009). He argues that women's value was tied to being wives, and that men treat them as slaves in marriages. Mill illustrates how women's experiences in the nineteenth century were demoralizing.

The oppression and the demoralization of women are still present in the twenty-first century. In some societies, in the Taliban[1] regime for example, oppression and demoralization of women are understatements because women are not even treated as humans in that society. Under the Taliban, women are stoned to death or buried alive because of their defiance to men. Needless to say, this type of inhumane treatment of women would have no place in my feminist utopian society. Recognizing women as human beings would be of utmost importance in my society.

One of the main tenets of liberal feminism is the gender equality. This concept appears dignified, however, the political agenda behind it sound rather calculated, which suggests a tendency to look only for positive virtues in women so that they could equate at the same level as men. Equality becomes means, not an end. In my feminist utopian society, gender equality is also an integral component, however, women are not required to pass any criteria listed by the dominant gender just so equality can start. As I have discussed in the earlier segment, women are not men; hence, there is no point to this kind of pre-qualification to meet equality.

Time to get real...

Women have come a long way in our society. More and more women have become renowned in the areas of science and philosophy, and there is no doubt that women can undertake the challenges in the intellectual domain. However, to envision a feminist utopia requires I should not neglect the sufferings of women in the extremist societies.

Gender equality is not an option of one, it requires both parties to assert responsibility in order to achieve it. Even though many women have already established an equal status with men, this circumstance should not bind oppressed women to the notion that they should also be able to do it, just because other women have done it. This notion would simply stigmatize oppressed women even further because it suggests they are to blame for being oppressed.

I had no desire to envision a fictional feminist utopia, where women possess all the positive virtue that one could possibly have. To envision a utopia where women simply dominates is a circumstance that creates a wrong motive because it would suggest inferiority of the other gender.

I don't have the perfect solution on how to realize this feminist utopia, however, I do propose that the traditional term be a woman to be transformed into a more positive identity. This positive identity is not just for the sake of women, but also for men. If men continue to regard women as a lesser counterpart, then they are simply depriving themselves of a true human relationship that they could possibly have with women. Finally, the term be a woman is not an attempt to place any segregation between the genders; rather, it allows for a meaningful experience for humanity as a whole.

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References

Donner, W. (2009). Chapter 7, Sexual Equality and The Subjection of Women. Mill. Wiley-Blackwell. U.K. (pp. 160-189).
DuBois, B. (1983). Passionate Scholarship: Notes on values, knowing and method in feminist social science. Theories of Women's Studies. Boston, MA: Routledge & Kegan Paul, (pp. 105-116).
Nelson, H. L. (2001). Identity and Free Agency. Feminist Doing Ethics. Oxford, England: Rowman & Littlefield, (pp. 45-61).
Tong, R., & Williams, N. (2009). Feminist Care Ethics: The Different Voice. Feminist Ethics, Retrieved December 4, 2005, from Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy Web Site: http://plato.stanford.edu/entries/feminism-ethics/
[1] Taliban is an Islamic fundamentalist group in Afghanistan. Taliban men are generally known for maltreatment of Afghan women; http://www.mtholyoke.edu/~mvcarmac/taliban.html

Is Coffee Addictive?

Let me tell you one thing that's true about me.... I LOVE coffee! OK fine... love is not a word that you use for a beverage, but that's not the issue here. What I meant was that, I'm a 'coffeeholic'! I drink coffee every day, it was my best-friend in college, and I don't understand why some people don't like it. A sign of addiction? Maybe. Let's examine this a little further.

According to Dr. Kim Hellmans, my psychology professor at Carleton U, addiction is syndrome that manifests “a loss of control over a reward-seeking behavior”. That's really just a scientific way of saying "you don't know when to stop". Aside from that, addiction has to meet three criteria: dependence, tolerance, and withdrawal. Thus, when a person develops a physical dependence on drinking coffee, and shows withdrawal symptoms from not taking it, he or she may appear addicted to coffee. However, due to insufficient evidence of developing tolerance to coffee, the criteria for addiction are not fully satisfied. Have you noticed how you don't really increase your coffee consumption? It's pretty much the same every day, right? That means you haven't developed tolerance to coffee. You also know when you've had enough, correct? Thus, coffee is not addictive.

So what's the deal with 'coffeeholics'?

Coffee is habit-forming

Coffee is known for its drug component called caffeine. Caffeine is a mild stimulant that enhances performance and increases alertness. Say I need an extra boost to study for an exam or finish up a project, drinking coffee may be beneficial. Due to caffeine’s positive effects, drinking coffee becomes a reinforced behavior. Reinforcement makes you do things over and over again, and could eventually become a habit. Hence, drinking coffee is not an addiction, it’s simply habit-forming. Some people may not even have a craving for it. It just happens that drinking coffee is part of their daily routine. Generally, coffee drinkers wake up in the morning and grab a cup of coffee without even paying attention to their behavior. There's no harm in this, but mind you, there are some things that you do have to watch for...

Caffeine Effects

Drinking coffee allows the absorption of caffeine through the gastrointestinal tract. Its effects kick in quickly after 15 to 45 minutes from ingestion. It peaks in 2 hours, and can last up to 3 to 5 hours. Depending on the dose and characteristics of the person, caffeine’s stimulating effects may vary. Generally, caffeine improves endurance and enhances task performance by making the person feel more awake and vigilant. However, when it comes to decision-making task, caffeine may cause impairment. So try to know your personal threshold.

Toxic Effects and Health Concerns

Consuming large doses of caffeine may lead to a condition called caffeinism. This may develop when a person consumes 600 mg of caffeine per day (roughly 4 to 6 cups a day). Some of its symptoms include muscle twitching, cardiac arrhythmia, tremors, increased need to urinate, and insomnia. Caffeine can also be lethal. Yup, you could die! So you do need to be careful. If you're an adult, avoid drinking more than 10 grams of caffeine, while 100mg/kg in children. These are considered lethal dosages.

Pregnant or nursing women must be aware that caffeine is distributed throughout the body. It could cross the placenta, and small proportions of caffeine could be excreted in breast milk. Children also have a risk of exposure to caffeine, thus, their caffeine consumption should be monitored. Or, just don't let them drink coffee, OK? That would probably be the best rule. Besides, I don't think you want your kid bouncing off the walls. Finally, those who have pre-existing health problems should consult their physician before consuming caffeine.

So, what to do if you love coffee?

Don’t worry. Large amount of coffee needs to be consumed before it could pose a concern. Coffee certainly has that “emotional” appeal that coffee lovers are unable to resist. So, if coffee is your thing, go ahead... have cup and enjoy!


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Sources:

Statistics Canada, 2004 Canadian Community Health Survey. Coffee consumption peaks at ages 31 to 50. Men and women tend to consume 639 grams and 586 respectively.
Hellmans, Kim. Neuroscience professor. Carleton University, Ottawa, ON, Canada.
Drug Use and Abuse, 5th Edition by Maisto et al. Thomas Wadsworth (2008).

Motion

Time... space... matter... what is this whole world about? My knowledge in Physics is only elementary, but I don't want this to stop me from giving my own views on this subject. After reading The Arrow, one of Zeno of Elea's paradoxes, I thought that I should give Physics a shot.

Just to give you a brief introduction, Zeno of Elea was a Greek philosopher in the pre-Socratic era. He claims that motion is just an illusion. This concept was illustrated in his paradox called The Arrow. He explains that an arrow in a trajectory is not in motion because if we observe the position of an arrow at a given instant, the arrow would be in a 'frozen' state, hence, not moving.

Zeno suggests that motion is a function of time. Using our conventional method of measuring time, we could divide time in fractions of a second. If we continue dividing time into fractions, we would arrive at a certain measure where time is infinitely short. An arrow would have to travel in an infinite fraction of time before it could reach a certain position in space, such as from point A to point B. Also, the arrow would have to travel forever if it is moving in an infinite number of infinitely short periods of time.

He explains that motion is also a function of space. Using the same logic, we would arrive at a certain measure where distance is infinitely small. Therefore, an arrow in trajectory would have to travel an infinite fraction of space before it could go from point A to point B. It would appear that the arrow is at rest because the given points between A to B are practically located in the same space.

Now, what are my thoughts on these? Does Zeno's paradox explain that motion is nothing but an illusion?

Zeno's paradox does not entirely support the fact that there is no motion. It simply questions the idea of infinity. How does an object behave in infinity? This is a question that determines boundaries and limits. Based on Zeno's paradox, motion, time and distance do not exist because their boundaries and limits are undetermined. Therefore, his paradox only supports the idea that the concept of motion, time, and space are undetermined, not the fact that they do not exist.

Also, Zeno questioned the boundaries and limits of the given dimensions, but he did not question the boundaries and limits of our senses. Just because we are unable to observe a certain phenomena in detail, does not suggest the non-existence of it.

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Source: Baird, F. & Kauffman, W. (2008). Zeno of Elea, The Arrow. Ancient Philosophy, Philosophy Classics, 5h Edition, Volume I. Pearson Prentice Hall, New Jersey, (pp. 26-30).